Lost Boobs Hash Trash #166
March 3, 2014
[PH3 TV TRANSCRIPT]
This is Bea Bush reporting live on location at Pranksters Too in Scottsdale, Arizona, at the site of a so-called “hash”, widely presumed to be a sex cult. In order to uncover the truth about this loose organization, I went undercover at one of their events. I put my life and my dignity on the line to bring you the following investigative report.
DIAMONDS ‘N’ HURLS: Have you been erected yet?
B. M. BUSH: Excuse me? Only my boyfriend does that.
DIAMONDS ‘N’ HURLS: I’m going to erect Sidewalk Slap, and I can erect you, too.
B. M. BUSH: I’ve got a boyfriend. Thanks, though.
JUST SAM: I’ve seen that guy [points to DIAMONDS ‘N’ HURLS] hitting on another girl who looks like you. He must have thought you were her.
B. M. BUSH: What is that supposed to mean?
JUST SAM Z: Well, I just don’t understand why he would say something like that to YOU.
B. M. BUSH: [changing the subject] So earlier I heard you say something about testicular implants.
JUST SAM Z: That’s right. They don’t go by cup size any more, but volume. I got 385 cc. Each.
SIDEWALK SLAP: That chafing is so real. [Wearing a kilt, traditionally, apparently.]
TRANNY GRANNY: This is the site of the inaugural Sidewalk Slap. See these cables here?
B. M. BUSH: No
TRANNY GRANNY: Neither did he.
B. M. BUSH: [After four miles] How long is this trail anyway?
WHORE’S WHISPERER: [Brandishing a smartphone] We’re on our own from here, according to the map!
ASS TO MOUTH: [One of the hares who stayed in her apartment the whole time.] I got your 385 cc right here! Come get your tequila shot from my boobs!
BITCH ‘N HOE: [The senior hare] A YBF should never be less than ¼ mile long. The YBF concept is lost at Lost Boobs. The other two hares and myself had to put the trail together in less than a week. Back in MY day, some wankers never came back from a YBF…[shuffles away muttering to herself.]
MY ASS IS THOR: [Third hare; hopping from one foot to the other] That was so awesome! When can we do it again? Did you see the circle? That was pretty awesome, wasn’t it?
[By circle, he was referring to a circle of bricks on the YBF, rather than the pseudo-religion practiced at the end of a hash].
B. M. BUSH: So what did you think of that trail?
I NEED AN ADULT: I actually enjoyed the “true” YBF.
[An unnamed adult hasher helpfully explained that the only correct answer to the question i: “It sucked.”]
JUST STEVE: A sandwich should never be less than ¼ foot tall. The true sandwich concept is a lost art at Lost Boobs. Start with bread followed by ranch dressing, meat, cheese, pickle, jalapenos, oreos, tomato, carrots, potato chips and smother the whole thing in nacho cheese sauce.
DUMBO’: Have you tried the Chicken ‘N’ Waffle potato chips? They taste salty and sweet, like giving a blow job.
B. M. BUSH: Do you know this from personal experience?
DUMBO’: I know everything. I don’t have to have the experience. I am a good listener.
STUMBELLINA: He IS a good listener.
B. M. BUSH: So what is your name?
YEASTIE BOY: [Covered in flour and beer] Yeastie Boy. This is the sixth time I have been named. After I had been hashing for a while, I expected to get named, so I carried extra clothes in my backpack. That wasn’t my mistake, though. The problem was I told someone I had extra clothes. So, my names have been Table It, To Be Determined, Yeastie Boy, and tonight my names were: Table It, To Be Determined, and Yeastie Boy.
B. M. BUSH: [voice over, hushed tones] A young female was brought into the center of a group of hashers. I think it is because she lost an important trophy. She bares her breasts to the group, which is met with loud cheers, from both sexes. Then, someone hands her a toilet seat. She again flashes her breasts and then leaves with the toilet seat. I have no explanation for this perplexing turn of events.
In the final analysis, unless you enjoy drinking, running or walking, getting lost, calling each other silly names, singing ribald songs, brief nudity and sexual innuendo, avoid this group at all costs.
Your brave reporter,
B. M. Bush