Lost Boobs #158 Hash Trash
Miner’s Tent (3rd ANALVERSARY)
January 6, 2014
Macayo’s Depot Cantina
Not Long ago, in a bar not far away
Episode IV
A New Hash
It is a period of civil whore.
For three years the Phoenix
hashers have battled against the
evil Monday trail know as Lost Boobs.
On it’s 3rd analversery, spies managed
to steal secret plans to the hare’s
ultimate weapon, a trail with enough
power to destroy the entire hash.
Pursued by the hares, Princess Labia
races to a bar with the stolen plans
that can save the hash and bring beer
to every half-mind on trail.
Macayos Depot Cantina, You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Luke Cockwalker was just a moisture farmer working in the deserts of Phoenix. When a strange urge from his groin brought him to this bar. He entered the bar not knowing what to expect. Gruesome horrors of all types milled about in tec t-shirts and running shoes. The neon orange glare from the t-shirts damaged his retina, so in a dark corner he sought refuge. He found a seat at the bar next to wise looking hasher.
“Hi I’m Cum Again? I hashed with your father you know… before the dark times. He was a mighty hasher.”
“You knew my father?” said Luke
“Yes, we hashed together on many trails before he died at a package check laid too close to a boob check. The whiplash killed him instantly. You too must learn the ways of the hash like your father.”
“I can’t go hashing.” said Luke “It’s late and I’ve got moist things to farm.”
“But we need your help Luke. We need everyone to solve this trail tonight or it could mean the end of everything.”
Knowing these people are clearly disturbed, Just Luke relectantly checked in with Sex O’Fence, Whores Whisperer, and DILF Hunter. With a t-shirt, patch, and card from Purple Penis Protector he felt that maybe just maybe he could do it. The bar filled up with hundreds of hashers of every type, tall, short, hard, soft, stupid, and smart… haha, just kidding about that last one. Suddenly the crowd shouted O – R – G – Y. While the hash was distracted by the shouting and the thoughts of an orgy, The hares, Darth Tent Titties and Darth Hole Miner’s Daughter escaped from the hash with the plans.
By the time the hashers got it together enough to go outside, the hares were long gone leaving behind what has to be the shittiest trail even seen. Just Luke slowly approached the line with “virgins” scrawled across it. A series strange symbols and letters were on ground before him. Princess Labia tried to explain the meaning behind the ancient runes but the hares arranged for loud trains and aircraft to pass extremely close. Just Luke understood none of it.
Then they were off. Hundreds of hashers scurried about in chaos and confusion like roaches under a spotlight, while others stayed back to sing the praises of a well-dressed bad mother fucking monkey. The pack veered thru the beach park then off into the neighborhoods of Tempe.
Seduced by the dark side, Sex O’Fence claimed the pack had missed a Brown Bag and so like dogs yanked by an invisible leash, fifty thousand hashers yelped in unison, reversed direction, and began sniffing around in the bushes. Whose bush they stuck their nose in is unknown, but they would have found brown bag given enough time and of course eaten whatever was inside. But luckily Sex O’Fence snapped out of it and revealed her deception with an evil laugh.
The hares cleverly hid in the beer in a vacant lot but they were no match for the hoard of thirsty hashers. 120 beers were quickly snatched up, but once again the hares had the last laugh. Just Luke arrived too late and had to suffice with only water to sustain him.
“The hares have won” he said “I… I should have listened to my mother.”
“Why? What did she say?” said 2 Boys 1 Cup.
“I don’t know, I didn’t listen.”
“Come on! Why don’t you take a look around? You know what’s about to happen, what they’re up against. They could use a shitty hasher like you. You’re turning your back on them.” said Dick In a Dirty Box.
“Trying to solve this trail ain’t my idea of courage. It’s more like suicide.” said Luke
“It’s not impossible. I used to hash trails in the jungles filled with womp rats back in Shanghai, and they were almost as shitty as this.” said Molotov Cock
“It’s time” said Tic-Tac Paddy Whack. “On-out”
As the rest of the pack finished their beer Just Luke hardened his resolved to defeat this trail and make it out alive.
An imperial cruiser patrolling the sector stopped a handfull of hashers for jaywalking and obstructing traffic.
“you realize that I can take you all to jail for this.” said the trooper.
“These are not the hashers you are looking for” said Bitch Commander.
“You can go about your business. Move along.” said Rhinoplasteeth.
The hasher mind trick worked, the Tempe officer repeated “Move along. Move along.”
Just Luke was frustrated. He hadn’t seen a mark all night.
“Your eyes can deceive you. Don’t trust them.” said Yeastie Boy
“Remember, a hasher can feel the trail flowing through him.” said Lab Rack
Then he found one mark, then another and another “I think I found trail!”
“That’s great kid, don’t get cocky!” said Dumbo Colonic.
Once the hash reached University and Ash, Token Ese, no doubt an apprentice of Victor Victoria, used his hash powers to zen most of the pack straight back to the bar. His bravery saved many from another 69 miles of trail. But a few hashers weren’t so lucky. Some followed trail and died out there and to this day Jugs Juicy, First Come First Served, and My Precious are still waiting at a song check 50.
Victory was finally seized from the hares. The hash had survived the knife wielding dogs, rabid hobos with hard-ons, amorous cougars, and space herpes. And no one fell into the dreaded festering coochie-snatch hole. The hashers celebrated with food and Dos Equis … well after waiting in the slowest line you’ve ever been in. Meanwhile FellatiNo prepared to corrupt a few more hashers with her wretched Booze Cream.For circle, Donkey Dildo Delight brought in many of the seldom seen hashers who once attempted circle. To many it was the first glimpse of Penis The Menace, DILF Hunter, Forever Whorin, and Suzy Whoreman. Where the fuck have you been? Whore’s Whisperer decide she liked drinking out of her shoe and was given funny looks when she refilled her shoe with diet coke following morning at Circle K.
Then midway thru trail crimes the distant call of Leeroy Jenkins could be heard.
“That’s no space station! It’s a moon” said The Incestigator.
“It’s too small to be a moon… Oh wait I’m looking at the front.” said I’ll Pack Her.
“Ooooh, it looks like three pale moons” said Fresh N’ Queasy.
At that moment Spincter Pi, Trifucta, and Gaping Asshole all streaked naked thru circle.
Once the excitement and revulsion died down, visitors and virgins or what’s left of them were brought in and celebrated. Blinded By Boobs won the Shit award for getting lost on trail once and nobody ever letting him forget about it. And the hash named Pandwhora’s Box for old flings and of course her box, Little Bunny Poo Poo for some kind of hot tub shenanigans, and Ronald McDickhole because clowns are scary enough without a hole for their dick. But really it’s now their story to tell, so go ask them about it.
Peace was restored to the hash, and for a week all hashers are once again free from the terror of the Lost Boobs trail. All except Just Luke, he died on trail from Beiber Fever.
Next: Episode I, The Phantom Penis
May the force be with you
ON-ON!
Cram El Toe’d